GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER SHOW 18. 04/07/91 "THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER SHOW" Writer: Adam Resnick / Director: David Mirkin Chris idolizes construction workers, and his dream comes true when Fred hires three of them to extend the kitchen. Chris will do anything to be accepted by them, but his loyalties are tested when they try to rip-off his father. Chris is forced to engage in a dreaded tool-belt fight. Dick .............. Ritch Brinkley Ray ............... Mickey Jones Don ............... Peter Spellos Priest ............ David Doty (Chris' room) Chris -- Dear diary. Remember me? I'm the guy who stole you from Woolworth's about 20 years ago. I realize I haven't written in you since I dug up that giant earthworm when I was twelve but that's the breaks. (laughs) Sue me. (laughs) Anyway, nothing much is new. I'm still a paperboy. Oh and I'm having sex now. So that's a big help. The main reason I'm writing you however, is to tell about the wonderful enchanting events that befell me last week--Events that have caused me to forever alter my perception of this crazy topsy-turvy, buttery thing we call life. It all started about seven a.m. last monday. Kitchen Chris -- So Mom, Dad what's up for today, any big plans? Gladys -- Well, actually we were thinking of looking through some magazines later on if we're not too tired. Fred -- No Gladys, that's what we have planned for next week. This is the day the workers arrive to start work on the kitchen. Chris -- Workers? Gladys -- Didn't we tell you? Your father has finally agree to expand the kitchen by six inches. I don't know what I'm gonna do with all that extra space. Chris -- Workers--as in construction workers?--as in the guys who wear hardhats and toolbelts and have brill cream in their hair? Gladys -- That's right. Chris -- The kind of guys that, that use foul language and have wives named Bonny, and dare I say it---stink? Gladys -- Yes I suppose eventually they will stink. Chris -- Oh, ho, yes, yes, I'm so excited. When do they get here? Fred -- Hold on now boy, throw it into reverse. Before your brain explodes, listen up. You're not to talk with them, bother them, or stare at them. If history tells us anything, it's that you have a tendancy to drive people nuts. (Door knocks) Chris -- uuhu They're here...they're here! ho hoo hoo (hugs Gladys) ha ha ha ho ho Maybe they'll smoke cigars. Won't that be a bonus? Come in construction workers--oh do come in. Chris -- (voice over) They were even more magnificent than I had imagined. I had read every book and seen every play and movie about construction workers yet nothing prepared me for the incredible surge of joy and awe I felt when these glorious, mythical creatures walked through that door. (blows nose) The gods had descended from heaven and were now standing in my parents' kitchen. (Title sequence) Chris -- (voice over) I've heard that all good relationships start with quiet observation. Actually I made that up just now. Does it sound stupid? Anyway, my initial stragedy was simple--silently stare at them for hours on end until I'm eventually noticed and invited into a conversation. This exact same stragedy once worked for me with an ape at the local zoo so my hopes were high. I soon came to the realization that it might be necessary to change my stragedy. It was time for the heavy artillery. You guessed it--questions. When were sinks invented? How much are trucks? Do you believe in god? Nothing seemed to work. I knew things were deperate when even Mr. Poppie couldn't win them over. (Chris sits with a ventriloquist dummy on his lap) Chris -- (clears throat) Tell us a joke, Mr. Poppie. Mr. Poppie -- Sure thing, Chrissy! How do porcupines have sex? Chris -- Wull jeeze I don't know Mr. Poppie. How do porcupines have sex? Mr. Poppie -- Carefully...very....carefully. (Chris laughs) (Construction worker knocks Mr. Poppie's head off with a rubber hammer) Chris -- (v.o.)This was not a good sign. I knew now that something drastic had to be done. If I were to truly become one of them, I knew I would first have to look like them and eventually, god willing, smell like them. LATER (CHRIS enters w/ fake belt and tools etc) Chris --(v.o.)In my heart I knew this was finally it. The close were right the eclairs and beer had put on a few extra pounds. I was in peak form. They would now embrace me as one oftheir own. (he belches) Hi boys. Dick -- What's with the costume slushhead? You got a date with Dinty Moore? (Workers laughs histerically) Chris --(v.o.) To this day, I still don't get that joke. Obviously the found it quite funny, though. All I know is at that very moment I felt all was lost--I would never be allowed into the grand mysterious wonderous world of guys who use tools. Chris --(v.o.) But I wrong. All that was about to change thanks to my tendancy to get sleepy. And sleepy I was after doing the twist for three solid hours for an unreceptive audience. If there's one thing my dear mother taught me it's to always lay down and go to sleep whenever you're tired, no matter where you are. And except for my arrest at the bus station last year I found this to be pretty sound advice. Little did I know that an event was about to take place that would forever change my life and that blessed event can be summed up in four sweet simple words "Dick-fell-on-me." Dick -- Aww Jeez. I coulda brok my neck Lucky for me your such a fat ass. Oh you know something kid? Yer okay...(they all laugh, punch him etc) Chris -- (v.o.) Just like that it happened. I had been accepted. I was now one of the elite. About to learn all the rule and rituals of a secret society that dates back to the Inkas. Without trying to sound overly dramatic of cliched just let me say I was happy as a porus. Chris --(v.o.) The first thing my heros taugh me was an important and essential lesson. How to act crude and obnoxious to the various women who passed through my yard for no apparent reason. Dick --Shake it honey. Do the wild thing mama. Yeeoow!! Bearded --Yeah..Work that thing sister! Whaaoow! That's right you got it. Honey, If you're sellin' I'm buyin.'!! Chris -- Oh eat that cheese lady. uh huh Pluck that banjo. Yes. You have very nice looking shoes Miss. (they laugh) (Woman kicks Chris in the face)(They all laugh) EVENING (Chris and workers sing "Down in the Valley") CHRIS -- (v.o.) At night we'd sit around the campfire and reflect on the days events and life in general. Invariably the conversation would drift to the one topic that's never far from a construction worker's mind.Toolbelt fights. Chris -- Hey guys. Tell me about the toolbelts again. Dick -- Well what do you want to know little partner? Chris -- Well everything. Like, like when did they first began? Dick -- Well nobody knows when it all first began. Legend has it that the first toolbelt fight took place between a couple of fellers working on the Great Pyramids. Seems they got into an argument over a sandwich and suddenly the tools was flyin' everywhere. Hammers, screwdrivers, powerdrills, you name it. In those days acourse, it was always a fight to the death. Chris -- (v.o.) My head was swimming with fascinating stories of late trailer payments, one-eyed-prostitutes and of course the fabled "Tool-belt fights." It was almost too much for my young thristy brain to comprehend. Dick -- Lookie fellas, Aint that about the cutest thing you've ever seen? Our little outlaw's gone off to fairy-land. Beard -- Musta been all that burbon I give him. Dick -- Let's get him off to bed. Chris --(v.o.) These were the happiest days of my life. I had finally become one of them. I think I was even starting to stink alittle. Chris --(v.o.) And just when I thought that things couldn't get any better--the ultimate happened. I was speechless. The guys were presenting me with my very own toolbelt--a real toolbelt. If I wasn't so afraid of pain, I surely would have pinched myself. It was the single greatest honor ever bestowed on me and I quickly purged any thoughts of refusing it, due to the Construction industry's poor treatment of the American Indian. My life was now consumed with living up to the high standards of excellence that went along with that toolbelt. Chris -- (v.o.) Of course, it wasn't all work. We always found time to socialize, eat chili and drink beer. At those B.S. sessions, as Dick called them--the guys were always fond of philosophical conversation. Dick -- D'yall think we've peaked as a civilization? DON -- Has materialism ruined our society? RAY -- Ever seen your mom in the bathtub? Chris (v.o.) It was a wonderful time I felt happier and more important than the president of Europe. Unknown to me however, things were about to take an ugly turn. Chris -- Morning fellas. Dick -- Heh hey c'mon over here butch. I got something to show ya. (laughs) You aah, you want in on a little secret? Ya see this pipe? We get it out of Korea for nine cents a foot...got more plastic in it than a showgirl's butt. (all laugh) Chris -- (laughs) Mmmm I do so love jokes pertaining to Las Vegas. Dick -- Heh, Well here's the real joke, we're charging your old man for copper pipe. Ya know what that goes for? Ninety bucks a foot. (laughs) Ain't that precious. We're gonna give you old man a bill that'll knock him right out of his shorts. (all laugh) Chris --(laughs) Wait a second Dick -- Huh? Chris -- Isn't that dishonest? Dick -- Hold on a minute there sport.... You ah...you ain't gettin' soft on us now are ya? Ray -- I thought you were one of us? Don -- Maybe we aughta take away his tool belt. Maybe he don't don't got the stomach for it after all. Chris -- Whuh..oh..ho..no...Now c'mon fellas. Let's...let's not go overboard here. I simply raised a question and I...I regretted it as soon as I said it. Okay? So ah..c'mon and let's for get about it . Come on... It's just water under the tunnel. Now whaddaya say we slice up a salami and turn on Oprah? Chris -- (v.o.) Despite what I led the guys to believe..I was now horribly troubled. My entire world had collapsed. I felt depressed...and suicidal...and more importantly....a little thirsty. Kitchen (Morning. Fred and Gladys are cleaning their guns) Chris -- (v.o.) When I'm really really desperate for advice...and I can't find anyone else to talk to, not even a complete stranger--my parents are better than nothing. Chris -- Hey Mom? Dad? I have a problem and as always your my first and only choice for advice. Fred -- Lucky us. Gladys -- What's the matter sweatheart is that drifter who lives behind the gas station still threatening to kill you? Chris --No he got hit by a car last week. No, my problem's a little more complicated. Let me give you a hypothetical situtaion here. Suppose your friend is....a rhinocerous and he's hawking really expensive sugar cubes on the moon. Only you find out that these sugar cubes aren't really made out of sugar at all but they're made out of a cheap combination of sand and garlic from Korea. Fred -- uh boy, ho..hold it right there..Are you saying these moron construction workers are trying to rip me off? Chris -- No Dad..no...jeeze. Your always trying to read some secret meaning into everything I say. Fred -- I've got no time for this, boy. If you need advice? Got bug a priest. Make him work for his sixty grand a year. Chris -- Hey, that's a great idea! Fred -- Good. Now blow! Chris --Oh..sure. (leaves) Chris -- (v.o.) After walking aimlessly for the better part of the day, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a church just nineteen mile from my house. (Chris at the confessional) Chris -- Okay well, here's my problem. For now, let's just say that my best friends are rhinoceroses and they're hawking really expensive sugar cubes on the moon. Priest -- Let me guess. Some construction workers are trying to swindle your father? Chris -- Exactly! These guys are my friends your honor and they've accepted me into their wonderful, crude, stench-ridden subculture, and that's, that's something I've dreamt about all my life I, I can't just throw that away. Priest -- As I see it you have no choice but to confront them and voice your concern about their dishonesty. Chris -- Hmm,but ..then I'll lose their friendship forever. I'll be an outcast. Priest -- Then they we're your friends in the first place. Chris -- oooh nice line Mom! KITCHEN Chris --(v.o.) If there's one thing I hate..it's a confrontation. And this one would no doubt be even uglier than the time I cursed out the mailman for staring at me when I was sunbathing. Chris -- Ah...excuse me ah fellas ah. could I have your ear for a second? Dick -- Hey...what's up Kato? Chris -- Well. ah...I was...ah....Hey! Have you guys ever seen me do a summersalt? I can do one you know. Here watch. Here I go. Mmm Allie Oop. wa oo hey! Dick -- Got somethin' on your mind boy? You're acting a little goofie? Chris -- Ah well ah....as a matter of fact...Richard..I do have something on my mind and for once it's, it's not women completely naked except for cowboy boots. I'm very dissapointed with all of you. You guys did a very bad thing by putting in those cheap pipes. And...well even though it, it'll probably mean that I can't be one of you and...and it might hurt out friendship....I'm gonna tell my Dad. Dick -- You got it all wrong Tonto. It don't mean you can't be one of us. Chris -- Wha, it, it doesn't? Dick -- Noooo. It means were gonna beat the crap outta you. Chris -- All alright na na now hold on Dick, I, I, I think yer, yer going alittle overboard here yer, yer talking with your heart instead of your head. I mean your, your, your head instead of your heart. I, I mean your foot instead of your esophogas. Gimme, gimme two good reasons why situation here has to esc..escalate into, into violence? Dick -- One..you got us in a very bad mood. Two...We've been drinkin' since five o'clock this morning. (Dick hits Chris in the head with a monkey wrench) Ha ha ha ha Chris (v.o.) Unlike the Three Stooges I didn't hear a cute little clank sound and it hurt like hell. I now knew what was about to take place in my kitchen--the legendary, deadly, toolbelt fight. (Toolbelt ight) (Chris knocks out Ray and Don) Chris -- Two down...one to go. Chris (v.o.) -- The moment of truth had arrived. I was about to go toe to toe with the ever powerful, ever crafty, dreaded ...foreman. Chris -- Uh huh? uh huh? Okay Dickie. Come ta papa, Daddy's got a big kiss for ya. (Much struggle) (Caption 4 Hours Later ) Chris (v.o) I was like a different person. I had more stamina than I ever had in my life, certainly more than I had on my last date. (Chris loses his weapon and Dick throws his away to even the odds) Dick -- Huh? Okay Huh? (laughs --pulls out a staplegun) Chris -- (v.o.) If there's one thing that can quickly end a toolbelt fight.... it's a staple gun. One little squeeze of the trigger can inflict more pain on a fat gut that a dozen ball-pin hammers. Dick -- Goodnight Irene. Do me a little favor huh? When you meet the devil...give him a peck on the cheek from me. Chris -- Alright, hold it right there Dick! This is the last beer in the refridgerator and I'm prepared to spill it. Dick -- No. Chris -- Yeah now, now put that staplegun down or else I'll dump this beer all over the linoleum. Dick -- Easy kid! Take it easy. Don't do nothing stupid. (Chris opens the beer and starts pouring) DICK -- oh oh oh Chris --You think I'm palying around? "I'm nuts man!!! (Dick relents sobbing) (Chris laughs) Chris -- Fini! Ray -- He did it The kid won the toolbelt fight! Chris -- Now there's still a little matter to discuss regarding plastic pipes and how much you're charging my Daddy. Dick -- Since you did win the toolbelt fight and now now you're king of sorts, were gonna knock twenty bucks off your dad's bill. Okay!!!.twenty two augh Jeeze Twenty two fifty huh? C'mon!! CHRIS -- Boweno Chris -- It was a moral triumph. I had risen above those I once idolized and managed to save my dad save my dad twenty two fifty to boot. That may not seem like much to the average person but to a guy who just got hit on the head with a led pipe..it sounded pretty damn good. Chris --(v.o.)That night we sat under the stars for the last time. The next day they would be finished with their work and disapear quietly from my life forever. In time our wounds would heal but our heats and minds would transform into shallow trays that caught the bittersweet rainwater of our souls. Incidently I'm offering a million dollar reward for amyone who can figure out what the hell that meant. (Chris at his writing desk) CHRIS -- (v.o.)Well goodnight sweet diary. Hopefully I'll write in you again sometime before I'm eighty. Have a bitchin' summer. Your Pal, Chris. THE END